I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this. I'm still not all that sure that I want to, but I'm going to attempt it and then possibly delete it later.
A friend of friends passed away on Sunday evening. It was a freak accident. Boys just playing in a river and then he was gone. This young man was not a good friend of mine, but he was a great friend to some of my very best friends. A very best friend of mine happened to be with this man when he died.
My heart hurts for so many different reasons. I hurt mostly for the family of this 21 year old man who was too young to go. I hurt for my friends who are in pain. I hurt for all the people who are so empathetic, that they will hear the story and know that it was not supposed to happen, he was too young, it wasn't fair, etc.
I found out about his death through facebook. We were not close enough that anyone would call me to let me know. Even after I saw it, I had to get in touch with my best friend and ask her what had happened to him. She had to reach out to someone else. Neither of us were close enough to him to know right away, yet for some reason, we have spoken each day of his passing. We are consumed by shock. We are held captive in our thoughts of "What if". What if it hadn't been him? What if it was us getting the call that one of our heart had passed in such a way? What if any of us had been there? How often do we all play around, rough house, think we're invincible?? It could have just as easily been anyone else.
Today, two days later, I started seeing things on facebook... "Massively massive celebration of life", etc. To our friends, this means drinking. It almost always means drinking. They wanted to have this "celebration of life" on the same river that their friend died 2 days ago. First and foremost, I feel this is tacky, though I don't know what's in their hearts. Second, my world is filled with worry for friends whom I love dearly and cannot fathom the grief that I would feel if they were gone, and I don't want them to go. I worry that the same thing will happen. I'm afraid that I won't ever feel carefree about my friends ever again. If this life was taken away so forcefully and abruptly, why wouldn't the lives of my friends be taken the same way? Why must they continue to make decisions that could take them away from me? Selfishly, I am mad.
I am mad that they wouldn't consider my life without them. I'm mad that they would be so tactless as to go to the place that we KNOW can take their lives without a second notice. IT JUST HAPPENED. I am pissed that their thoughts are not consumed by the consequences that might take place from their actions.
I was scared to write this entry because I feel like I'm taking something away from those who are hurting specifically from this bright, friendly, and genuinely nice boy. I am hurt for him, but differently. Again, shock mostly. Sad for the loss of the light he could have brought to the world, but I am more so sick with worry and sad that my world just got smaller. It is selfish to think of myself at this time. It's a lot of different words that boil down to inappropriate.
I hope that my friends will always know how much I love them. I hope they know how many times a day I think of them even when they aren't thinking of me. I want them to feel how full and happy my heart is when they are around, and what it would mean if they weren't.
Rest in Peace David Osborn. You were a gem of a guy. I am hoping that you keep our friends safe and in your heart.
27 July 2010
10 July 2010
I don't even have a title for this
This is my new favorite sentence:
"Pancakes will front like “I love you long time” but it is all a pack of lies."
This is from mimismartypants. She's hilarious. Head on over if you like laughing.
I don't really even have anything to say today. I just wanted to share that.
Excuse me while I continue reading about her superhero obbsessed, no BS, amazingly awesome asian daughter. And the Chicago Transit Authority.
This is going to be the post that I continuously edit because of funny things I want to remember.
"Pancakes will front like “I love you long time” but it is all a pack of lies."
This is from mimismartypants. She's hilarious. Head on over if you like laughing.
I don't really even have anything to say today. I just wanted to share that.
Excuse me while I continue reading about her superhero obbsessed, no BS, amazingly awesome asian daughter. And the Chicago Transit Authority.
This is going to be the post that I continuously edit because of funny things I want to remember.
25 June 2010
Ramblings of a tired lady
You know, in theory, I really love *NSync but sometimes I really just want go really guys?* Don’t you think that we could just calm down for a second with all the symbols and clapping and random “doo wop ooooh baby ahhhhh”?
*Did you see how many times I said the word really in that sentence? Jesus.
I’m pretty sure that I just saw a cat murder a sea bird. It’s dark though, so I could be wrong. For a second though I was all, “Go kitten! Do you!” and then I thought, “Damn. Couldn’t you put up some sort of fight sea bird? That squawking did nothing to deter that feline.”
My brain literally hurts from all the things that I am not doing. I’m just going through the motions*.
*Side note: “Going through the motions” is one of the songs they sing on the musical episode of Buffy and I love it.
Sometimes I just want to chill. You know what I mean? Like, seriously. Brain stop working and totally veg out. It’s times like these that I remember fondly of my time in a smallish college town in Texas in which I did nothing. I literally did nothing, except smoke a whole lot of weed.
I’m going to finish this entry on this note because I’ve got nothing left except droopy eyelids and an empty stomach.
*Did you see how many times I said the word really in that sentence? Jesus.
I’m pretty sure that I just saw a cat murder a sea bird. It’s dark though, so I could be wrong. For a second though I was all, “Go kitten! Do you!” and then I thought, “Damn. Couldn’t you put up some sort of fight sea bird? That squawking did nothing to deter that feline.”
My brain literally hurts from all the things that I am not doing. I’m just going through the motions*.
*Side note: “Going through the motions” is one of the songs they sing on the musical episode of Buffy and I love it.
Sometimes I just want to chill. You know what I mean? Like, seriously. Brain stop working and totally veg out. It’s times like these that I remember fondly of my time in a smallish college town in Texas in which I did nothing. I literally did nothing, except smoke a whole lot of weed.
I’m going to finish this entry on this note because I’ve got nothing left except droopy eyelids and an empty stomach.
19 June 2010
Deliruim and such
Dear Internets,
I have gotten about 2 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. In case your math skills left you after that ninth drinking binge in college, that means that I have been up for the majority of 3 days.
I wish that I could tell you that means that I have been uber-productive and have seriously contributed to society. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I will give you my life in numbers for these 3 days:
4 bottles of wine consumed
12+ hours of watching Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
1 of these hours must be contributed to actually driving into town (25 minutes) going to the shitty "mall" and actually spending money to purchase THREE seasons of this show. This I can neither justify, nor understand. But I did it. One day, it might may sense, but probably not.
30 ish hours working
2+ hours talking to obnoxious colleagues, guests, people that get more sleep than me, etc.
57 Pepsi and Cherry Cokes consumed for caffeine fuel
500,000,000,000 games of solitaire on my iPhone
3 times I completely depleted the battery on said iPhone
9,000 times I listed to the High School Musical soundtracks, Jonas Brothers, and *NSync albums to stay awake while dancing around my office barefoot
1 email from my boss asking if I can work on one of my days off to facilitate an important guest
1 email TO my boss saying that I would be happy to, but I would really love to take off the day before (omitting that I will quite possibly ACTUALLY die if not)
In light of these facts, you can more than likely fathom that my mental instability is quite high at the moment. An example: A moment ago, I was sitting in my office staring into space and having a dangerously slow heart rate*, I heard two women come up to the front desk and the night auditor go out to talk to them. They sounded either angry or just excited or drunk and I literally burst into tears in my office because I was so scared that they were going to ask to speak with me. WHAT?! Good thing that they didn't, because when I came out of my office about 4 minutes later to ask the nice young lady I work with if they were, in fact, angry for some god forsaken reason, this was our conversation:
Night Auditor: What the hell L? Have you been crying?
Me: I was, but only for a second. It was involuntary. My tear ducts were full.
NA: ....
Me: Were those ladies angry?
NA: No... They wanted an umbrella because (DUH) it's raining.**
Me: Oh. Ok. Well that's great. Thanks for helping them.
NA: Seriously, maybe you need to go home or something.
Me: ... (Retreat into office and proceed to once again cry but cover it much better this time)
*I'm not a doctor, I do not know this for a fact, I am assuming. (Or attempting to write an entertaining web diary entry, you decide.)
**"Raining" is putting it mildly. The ocean is throwing up all over the island right now while God is, I can only assume, mistaking this island for a lovely birthday cake with teeny tiny candles that just WILL NOT GO OUT. I think I saw 2 cats fly across the landscape mere minutes ago.
And so Internets, I tell you this with upmost certainty, this morning when I go home, I will pour myself a rather large glass of wine to take with my sleeping pill. No, not because I will need them to sleep, that will come quite swiftly and with force I assume. But because I am going to literally pass out. Pass out so that in the event that this island does actually sink right into the ocean due to wind and rain, I won't even know. I will be dreaming peacefully of the Jonas Brothers performing at a massive pool party thrown by Zac Efron all in my honor.
This post was long and rambly and quite boring you say? Well I'm a judgemental bastard too, so just keep that in mind.
I have gotten about 2 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. In case your math skills left you after that ninth drinking binge in college, that means that I have been up for the majority of 3 days.
I wish that I could tell you that means that I have been uber-productive and have seriously contributed to society. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I will give you my life in numbers for these 3 days:
4 bottles of wine consumed
12+ hours of watching Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
1 of these hours must be contributed to actually driving into town (25 minutes) going to the shitty "mall" and actually spending money to purchase THREE seasons of this show. This I can neither justify, nor understand. But I did it. One day, it might may sense, but probably not.
30 ish hours working
2+ hours talking to obnoxious colleagues, guests, people that get more sleep than me, etc.
57 Pepsi and Cherry Cokes consumed for caffeine fuel
500,000,000,000 games of solitaire on my iPhone
3 times I completely depleted the battery on said iPhone
9,000 times I listed to the High School Musical soundtracks, Jonas Brothers, and *NSync albums to stay awake while dancing around my office barefoot
1 email from my boss asking if I can work on one of my days off to facilitate an important guest
1 email TO my boss saying that I would be happy to, but I would really love to take off the day before (omitting that I will quite possibly ACTUALLY die if not)
In light of these facts, you can more than likely fathom that my mental instability is quite high at the moment. An example: A moment ago, I was sitting in my office staring into space and having a dangerously slow heart rate*, I heard two women come up to the front desk and the night auditor go out to talk to them. They sounded either angry or just excited or drunk and I literally burst into tears in my office because I was so scared that they were going to ask to speak with me. WHAT?! Good thing that they didn't, because when I came out of my office about 4 minutes later to ask the nice young lady I work with if they were, in fact, angry for some god forsaken reason, this was our conversation:
Night Auditor: What the hell L? Have you been crying?
Me: I was, but only for a second. It was involuntary. My tear ducts were full.
NA: ....
Me: Were those ladies angry?
NA: No... They wanted an umbrella because (DUH) it's raining.**
Me: Oh. Ok. Well that's great. Thanks for helping them.
NA: Seriously, maybe you need to go home or something.
Me: ... (Retreat into office and proceed to once again cry but cover it much better this time)
*I'm not a doctor, I do not know this for a fact, I am assuming. (Or attempting to write an entertaining web diary entry, you decide.)
**"Raining" is putting it mildly. The ocean is throwing up all over the island right now while God is, I can only assume, mistaking this island for a lovely birthday cake with teeny tiny candles that just WILL NOT GO OUT. I think I saw 2 cats fly across the landscape mere minutes ago.
And so Internets, I tell you this with upmost certainty, this morning when I go home, I will pour myself a rather large glass of wine to take with my sleeping pill. No, not because I will need them to sleep, that will come quite swiftly and with force I assume. But because I am going to literally pass out. Pass out so that in the event that this island does actually sink right into the ocean due to wind and rain, I won't even know. I will be dreaming peacefully of the Jonas Brothers performing at a massive pool party thrown by Zac Efron all in my honor.
This post was long and rambly and quite boring you say? Well I'm a judgemental bastard too, so just keep that in mind.
12 June 2010
In which I die from crouton consumption
I have eaten my weight in croutons in just under about 15 minutes. This will not end well.
Now that I have really gotten you in the mood... I have spent the majority of my time on the rock just being really sad that this is where I am. You know, I never have really been a big fan of change (no, seriously, ask my mother), but I really thought when I took this job "That's where I'm supposed to be".
I think mostly I got caught up in all the pictures of the bright blue water and sandy white beaches and pictures of these beautiful sea turtles and coral reefs. The reality is that I don't get to the beach all that often and I see more cockroaches and rats than I do sea turtles. In fact, I have yet to see a sea turtle and I have killed about 90 cockroaches and seen about 9,000 more than that.
This is such an incredibly beautiful place and I just wish I could appreciate it for that, but I just can't. When there are people who tell me that they are jealous that I live here, I actually GET MAD at them. WHAT!? Why would I get angry? That seems ridiculous. But I do. I get genuinely pissed off that someone would read on my facebook that the power went out 50 times yesterday and we haven't had any water for 3 days and then I post a picture of the beach (that I went to because I was SO hot and sweaty from my apartment that I actually went to COOL OFF and SHOWER in the OCEAN) and then they say "So jealous! Wish I could be there!".
What? Ok. Listen, you pay my unbelievably high rent for a shitty apartment, buy groceries every other week for 400 dollars FOR ONE PERSON, deal with no electricity and water for days on end, then work from 9 pm to 9 am just to go home and do it all over again. Deal! I'll take it! Where do you live? Podunk, Wyoming? Does the power go out EVERY SINGLE DAY? No? Ok, I'm on my way.
Really I'm just ranting. There are good people, good food (once you get used to eating variations of the same thing every day), and *like I keep telling myself* You Can't Beat The View.
This is very very true. I find myself sometimes sitting on my balcony and think "Oh my god, I live here. Look at that gorgeous boat in that beautiful blue marina, this is my backyard" and I get an overwhelming sense of calm. I can watch the marina behind my house for hours. I just sit out there and read for HOURS. There's also 5 am. I'm still working and all the sudden my office starts to get a glow to it, and when I look outside I'm staring into the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. Every morning. It lights the ocean just enough to cast a sheen, but the water still looks dark which I know will turn a transparent cerulean blue in just a few short hours. It's still dark enough to see St. John lit up by their street lights and marinas. The birds call out to you and the bats have gone into hiding. The small geckos and lizards start to emerge and play in the sun as the cockroaches retreat into hiding. And again I just get very calm and think "How is it possible that I live somewhere so beautiful?"
I guess, as with anything in life, you take the good with the bad. I have quite a few months left here and then have the option of staying or leaving. At this point, I'm standing firm that I will be leaving, but in those moments of peace, I wonder if I could ever live anywhere else after this.
I miss city living. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss not worrying about iguanas or land crabs (Google land crab. Those exist. En masse.). I miss ordering any kind of food to be delivered because that just doesn't happen here (Exception of one pizza place that is NOT good). I miss tons of people everywhere all the time and going different places.
I just can't imagine not waking up the ocean every day. I can't imagine walking down the sidewalk and not seeing 50 lizards scatter into the brush. I can't imagine driving down the street at 3 pm and seeing the family of deer frolick along beside me. I can't imagine being SO excited because I know this deer family, and when I get home, see that they have a new addition to their family!
I know that some of this can be replicated other places. I understand that, but it won't be like this island. I don't think that anything or anywhere I ever go will ever be like this island. Years later when I look back at my time here, I might remember how sad I was for a while and I might remember how mad I was that this is where I chose to live, but the calm and peace are stronger than that. Those are the times that I will remember. When I look back at pictures of my apartment and laying with friends on beaches or lounging on boats to the other islands, I will remember the excitement of the different, the beauty of the island, the culture of the people, and the fact that I may never have the chance again.
But I guess that's just island living.
Now that I have really gotten you in the mood... I have spent the majority of my time on the rock just being really sad that this is where I am. You know, I never have really been a big fan of change (no, seriously, ask my mother), but I really thought when I took this job "That's where I'm supposed to be".
I think mostly I got caught up in all the pictures of the bright blue water and sandy white beaches and pictures of these beautiful sea turtles and coral reefs. The reality is that I don't get to the beach all that often and I see more cockroaches and rats than I do sea turtles. In fact, I have yet to see a sea turtle and I have killed about 90 cockroaches and seen about 9,000 more than that.
This is such an incredibly beautiful place and I just wish I could appreciate it for that, but I just can't. When there are people who tell me that they are jealous that I live here, I actually GET MAD at them. WHAT!? Why would I get angry? That seems ridiculous. But I do. I get genuinely pissed off that someone would read on my facebook that the power went out 50 times yesterday and we haven't had any water for 3 days and then I post a picture of the beach (that I went to because I was SO hot and sweaty from my apartment that I actually went to COOL OFF and SHOWER in the OCEAN) and then they say "So jealous! Wish I could be there!".
What? Ok. Listen, you pay my unbelievably high rent for a shitty apartment, buy groceries every other week for 400 dollars FOR ONE PERSON, deal with no electricity and water for days on end, then work from 9 pm to 9 am just to go home and do it all over again. Deal! I'll take it! Where do you live? Podunk, Wyoming? Does the power go out EVERY SINGLE DAY? No? Ok, I'm on my way.
Really I'm just ranting. There are good people, good food (once you get used to eating variations of the same thing every day), and *like I keep telling myself* You Can't Beat The View.
This is very very true. I find myself sometimes sitting on my balcony and think "Oh my god, I live here. Look at that gorgeous boat in that beautiful blue marina, this is my backyard" and I get an overwhelming sense of calm. I can watch the marina behind my house for hours. I just sit out there and read for HOURS. There's also 5 am. I'm still working and all the sudden my office starts to get a glow to it, and when I look outside I'm staring into the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. Every morning. It lights the ocean just enough to cast a sheen, but the water still looks dark which I know will turn a transparent cerulean blue in just a few short hours. It's still dark enough to see St. John lit up by their street lights and marinas. The birds call out to you and the bats have gone into hiding. The small geckos and lizards start to emerge and play in the sun as the cockroaches retreat into hiding. And again I just get very calm and think "How is it possible that I live somewhere so beautiful?"
I guess, as with anything in life, you take the good with the bad. I have quite a few months left here and then have the option of staying or leaving. At this point, I'm standing firm that I will be leaving, but in those moments of peace, I wonder if I could ever live anywhere else after this.
I miss city living. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss not worrying about iguanas or land crabs (Google land crab. Those exist. En masse.). I miss ordering any kind of food to be delivered because that just doesn't happen here (Exception of one pizza place that is NOT good). I miss tons of people everywhere all the time and going different places.
I just can't imagine not waking up the ocean every day. I can't imagine walking down the sidewalk and not seeing 50 lizards scatter into the brush. I can't imagine driving down the street at 3 pm and seeing the family of deer frolick along beside me. I can't imagine being SO excited because I know this deer family, and when I get home, see that they have a new addition to their family!
I know that some of this can be replicated other places. I understand that, but it won't be like this island. I don't think that anything or anywhere I ever go will ever be like this island. Years later when I look back at my time here, I might remember how sad I was for a while and I might remember how mad I was that this is where I chose to live, but the calm and peace are stronger than that. Those are the times that I will remember. When I look back at pictures of my apartment and laying with friends on beaches or lounging on boats to the other islands, I will remember the excitement of the different, the beauty of the island, the culture of the people, and the fact that I may never have the chance again.
But I guess that's just island living.
08 April 2010
Vegetable Schmegetable
So, Internets, when I stopped eating meat about 2 and a half years ago, it was all because of you. Well, you and a friend who turned me onto one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen.
It's called Earthlings, and I'm not one to push my beliefs onto people (most of the time) so if you do still enjoy a nice cheeseburger or a weekly trip to Chick-Fil-A, then please don't watch it, because you will never be able to taste that lightly fried tender breast without seeing the horrible, disgusting conditions in which that poor creature had to live before spending it's afterlife in a neat little white and red cardboard haven.
I tell you this for one reason, and one reason only. If you ever, I mean EVER get hungry enough that you think "Hey, I haven't eaten meat for awhile, but it's all they have here (LITERALLY ALL THEY HAVE), and hey, I've eaten meat before. I may hate the thought, but I'm starving here!" Just, don't. Don't eat it.
I will spare you the gory details, but trust me when I say, I think I will be sticking with soy products. I'll keep lov'n Chik'N and be all up in my Boca Burgers, because my body rejects any living creature I decide to chew up apparently.
So actually, thanks you weird body, you. At least now I know if I have a moral slip, you will always be there to leave me hugging a toilet afterwards. Karma's a bitch.
It's called Earthlings, and I'm not one to push my beliefs onto people (most of the time) so if you do still enjoy a nice cheeseburger or a weekly trip to Chick-Fil-A, then please don't watch it, because you will never be able to taste that lightly fried tender breast without seeing the horrible, disgusting conditions in which that poor creature had to live before spending it's afterlife in a neat little white and red cardboard haven.
I tell you this for one reason, and one reason only. If you ever, I mean EVER get hungry enough that you think "Hey, I haven't eaten meat for awhile, but it's all they have here (LITERALLY ALL THEY HAVE), and hey, I've eaten meat before. I may hate the thought, but I'm starving here!" Just, don't. Don't eat it.
I will spare you the gory details, but trust me when I say, I think I will be sticking with soy products. I'll keep lov'n Chik'N and be all up in my Boca Burgers, because my body rejects any living creature I decide to chew up apparently.
So actually, thanks you weird body, you. At least now I know if I have a moral slip, you will always be there to leave me hugging a toilet afterwards. Karma's a bitch.
04 April 2010
Living in Paradise
Oh, hello!
I was reading (and deleting) past blog posts, because, well, they were terrifying. I'm not sure I even knew how angry I was, but maybe I was just drunk.
Anyways,
I now live in St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands. It's a weird place. I spend a lot of my time not enjoying myself mostly for reasons that are of my own accord. I could just suck it up and like it more, but then the things that I cannot control make me realize that I don't really want to.
I not so secretly assume that I don't let myself like it here because it has been my intention from the get go to spend one, and only one, year here. This is a stepping stone, a jumping off point if you will.
For instance, right now, at 5:22 am, my job is more than halfway finished. I have been here for 8 hours, and I will be here for about another 4 and a half. Why do I work so many hours, you ask? Oh, well let me explain..
I am 23. I am the overnight manager of a resort in the carribbean. (This is hotel lingo for "we stay busy") So, in the morning when the other managers start to arrive, normally, the overnight manager would go home. Oh... But this is my first time in a position of authority. I don't blame anyone for me staying late, I am here to prove myself. That's what the "stepping stone" comment was all about. And so, I help. Everywhere. Anything they need. Sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't, but I do it anyway.
Can I submit this post with my resume when I apply for my next job? :)
Sincerely,
Leslie "Island Fever" Lezon
I was reading (and deleting) past blog posts, because, well, they were terrifying. I'm not sure I even knew how angry I was, but maybe I was just drunk.
Anyways,
I now live in St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands. It's a weird place. I spend a lot of my time not enjoying myself mostly for reasons that are of my own accord. I could just suck it up and like it more, but then the things that I cannot control make me realize that I don't really want to.
I not so secretly assume that I don't let myself like it here because it has been my intention from the get go to spend one, and only one, year here. This is a stepping stone, a jumping off point if you will.
For instance, right now, at 5:22 am, my job is more than halfway finished. I have been here for 8 hours, and I will be here for about another 4 and a half. Why do I work so many hours, you ask? Oh, well let me explain..
I am 23. I am the overnight manager of a resort in the carribbean. (This is hotel lingo for "we stay busy") So, in the morning when the other managers start to arrive, normally, the overnight manager would go home. Oh... But this is my first time in a position of authority. I don't blame anyone for me staying late, I am here to prove myself. That's what the "stepping stone" comment was all about. And so, I help. Everywhere. Anything they need. Sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't, but I do it anyway.
Can I submit this post with my resume when I apply for my next job? :)
Sincerely,
Leslie "Island Fever" Lezon
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