In which I die from crouton consumption

I have eaten my weight in croutons in just under about 15 minutes. This will not end well.

Now that I have really gotten you in the mood... I have spent the majority of my time on the rock just being really sad that this is where I am. You know, I never have really been a big fan of change (no, seriously, ask my mother), but I really thought when I took this job "That's where I'm supposed to be".
I think mostly I got caught up in all the pictures of the bright blue water and sandy white beaches and pictures of these beautiful sea turtles and coral reefs. The reality is that I don't get to the beach all that often and I see more cockroaches and rats than I do sea turtles. In fact, I have yet to see a sea turtle and I have killed about 90 cockroaches and seen about 9,000 more than that.
This is such an incredibly beautiful place and I just wish I could appreciate it for that, but I just can't. When there are people who tell me that they are jealous that I live here, I actually GET MAD at them. WHAT!? Why would I get angry? That seems ridiculous. But I do. I get genuinely pissed off that someone would read on my facebook that the power went out 50 times yesterday and we haven't had any water for 3 days and then I post a picture of the beach (that I went to because I was SO hot and sweaty from my apartment that I actually went to COOL OFF and SHOWER in the OCEAN) and then they say "So jealous! Wish I could be there!".
What? Ok. Listen, you pay my unbelievably high rent for a shitty apartment, buy groceries every other week for 400 dollars FOR ONE PERSON, deal with no electricity and water for days on end, then work from 9 pm to 9 am just to go home and do it all over again. Deal! I'll take it! Where do you live? Podunk, Wyoming? Does the power go out EVERY SINGLE DAY? No? Ok, I'm on my way.

Really I'm just ranting. There are good people, good food (once you get used to eating variations of the same thing every day), and *like I keep telling myself* You Can't Beat The View.
This is very very true. I find myself sometimes sitting on my balcony and think "Oh my god, I live here. Look at that gorgeous boat in that beautiful blue marina, this is my backyard" and I get an overwhelming sense of calm. I can watch the marina behind my house for hours. I just sit out there and read for HOURS. There's also 5 am. I'm still working and all the sudden my office starts to get a glow to it, and when I look outside I'm staring into the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. Every morning. It lights the ocean just enough to cast a sheen, but the water still looks dark which I know will turn a transparent cerulean blue in just a few short hours. It's still dark enough to see St. John lit up by their street lights and marinas. The birds call out to you and the bats have gone into hiding. The small geckos and lizards start to emerge and play in the sun as the cockroaches retreat into hiding. And again I just get very calm and think "How is it possible that I live somewhere so beautiful?"

I guess, as with anything in life, you take the good with the bad. I have quite a few months left here and then have the option of staying or leaving. At this point, I'm standing firm that I will be leaving, but in those moments of peace, I wonder if I could ever live anywhere else after this.

I miss city living. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss not worrying about iguanas or land crabs (Google land crab. Those exist. En masse.). I miss ordering any kind of food to be delivered because that just doesn't happen here (Exception of one pizza place that is NOT good). I miss tons of people everywhere all the time and going different places.
I just can't imagine not waking up the ocean every day. I can't imagine walking down the sidewalk and not seeing 50 lizards scatter into the brush. I can't imagine driving down the street at 3 pm and seeing the family of deer frolick along beside me. I can't imagine being SO excited because I know this deer family, and when I get home, see that they have a new addition to their family!

I know that some of this can be replicated other places. I understand that, but it won't be like this island. I don't think that anything or anywhere I ever go will ever be like this island. Years later when I look back at my time here, I might remember how sad I was for a while and I might remember how mad I was that this is where I chose to live, but the calm and peace are stronger than that. Those are the times that I will remember. When I look back at pictures of my apartment and laying with friends on beaches or lounging on boats to the other islands, I will remember the excitement of the different, the beauty of the island, the culture of the people, and the fact that I may never have the chance again.

But I guess that's just island living.